DIVASTATING!

DIVASTATING! H[EAR] ON MUSIC by N. Arthur

From J-Lo’s demands for white lilies in her hotel suite, to Lauryn Hill’s declaration that no one should make direct eye contact with her… female musicians seem to be a demanding breed. And no one seems to showcase these Diva tendencies quite as well as Jojo, the pianist from Murfy’s fLaW.

SAY What!? investigative journalist, N. Arthur, got a first hand account from one of Ms Jojo’s victims.:

I was taking my usual evening walk, doing my Christian duty of visiting the sick. I would never have suspected that there was anything particularly suspicious about Patient X’s case, had it not been for her hospital chart, which was marked, Patient X.

My reporter instincts kicked in, and I sneaked into the private room holding Patient X.

Patient X turned out to be a young petite girl who looked physically shaken and emotionally distraught. It was difficult but she eventually agreed to share the details of her traumatic incident at Ms Jojo’s hands.

^Æ“It was terrible,” she said in a shaky voice, “I’m a production assistant on the set for the Murfy’s fLaW tour, and had been sent into the backstage area to advise Ms Jojo that the microphone was ready for her sound check. To my horror, as I approached her, she caught my reflection in the mirror, and started hurling profanities at me. I tried to back away, but she grabbed at my hand with a vice-like grip, and held me in front of the mirror, bringing my attention to the purple eye shadow that we were both wearing.

‘Why are you wearing the same colour of eye shadow that I am?’ she demanded, ‘I’m the only one who is allowed to wear ^™Blueberry Marshmallow!’ and with that pronouncement Ms Jojo began to claw at my face with her freshly-polished acrylic nails.

I tried to get away, but the woman has unnatural strength! By the time I was rescued by the body guards, her acrylic nails had left deep grooves in my face. My skin was torn, and I was bleeding. The doctors say I may need skin grafts and 36 months of emotional therapy. I’m devastated!”

On attempting to get Ms Jojo’s reaction to Patient X’s statement, she merely said, “I do not wear acrylic tips. My nails are natural.”

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^ÆPatient X’s account has been edited for clarity, and to conform to content standards of SAY What!? magazine.