DIVASTATING!

DIVASTATING! H[EAR] ON MUSIC by N. Arthur

From J-Lo’s demands for white lilies in her hotel suite, to Lauryn Hill’s declaration that no one should make direct eye contact with her… female musicians seem to be a demanding breed. And no one seems to showcase these Diva tendencies quite as well as Jojo, the pianist from Murfy’s fLaW.

SAY What!? investigative journalist, N. Arthur, got a first hand account from one of Ms Jojo’s victims.:

I was taking my usual evening walk, doing my Christian duty of visiting the sick. I would never have suspected that there was anything particularly suspicious about Patient X’s case, had it not been for her hospital chart, which was marked, Patient X.

My reporter instincts kicked in, and I sneaked into the private room holding Patient X.

Patient X turned out to be a young petite girl who looked physically shaken and emotionally distraught. It was difficult but she eventually agreed to share the details of her traumatic incident at Ms Jojo’s hands.

^Æ“It was terrible,” she said in a shaky voice, “I’m a production assistant on the set for the Murfy’s fLaW tour, and had been sent into the backstage area to advise Ms Jojo that the microphone was ready for her sound check. To my horror, as I approached her, she caught my reflection in the mirror, and started hurling profanities at me. I tried to back away, but she grabbed at my hand with a vice-like grip, and held me in front of the mirror, bringing my attention to the purple eye shadow that we were both wearing.

‘Why are you wearing the same colour of eye shadow that I am?’ she demanded, ‘I’m the only one who is allowed to wear ^™Blueberry Marshmallow!’ and with that pronouncement Ms Jojo began to claw at my face with her freshly-polished acrylic nails.

I tried to get away, but the woman has unnatural strength! By the time I was rescued by the body guards, her acrylic nails had left deep grooves in my face. My skin was torn, and I was bleeding. The doctors say I may need skin grafts and 36 months of emotional therapy. I’m devastated!”

On attempting to get Ms Jojo’s reaction to Patient X’s statement, she merely said, “I do not wear acrylic tips. My nails are natural.”

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^ÆPatient X’s account has been edited for clarity, and to conform to content standards of SAY What!? magazine.

WAR IS NOT THE ANSWER!

WAR IS NOT THE ANSWER! H[EAR] ON MUSIC by N. Arthur

A referendum took place in Southern Sudan from 9 January to 15 January 2011, on whether the region should remain a part of Sudan or become independent. SAY What!? investigative journalist, N. Arthur, was in Juba for the landmark event, and reports:

“Where did you get this picture?” the bartender asked. My regular evening walk, had led me to the Juba Grand Hotel. Tired from a day of hard-core investigative reporting, I plugged in my headphones, put on my walkman. Yes. Walkman. That’s how I roll. It was at this point that the bartender began to demand answers.

I looked up and found that he was brandishing the cassette case, jabbing a finger at the artwork on the cover.

“Oh, that is Punky Monkey,” I said, “She plays guitar in Murfy’s fLaW”

 

“No!” he insisted, “This is a soldier of fortune! I remember her from Malou. Sunday, Feb.25, 2001!”

My keen reporter instincts kicked in. I leaned forward, drink forgotten, “You mean she’s a child soldier?”

“Child!?” He spat out incredulously, “That’s no Child! She’s a Soldier of Fortune! A mercenary! She fought for the South, and then she fought for the North. And then she fought for the east, and then fought for the West! At the same time! Scumbug! It was the mission of everyone to find her, but she was too sneaky! Look!” He showed me a “WANTED” poster from early 2001.

I studied the poster and the album cover, “Wow, she hasn’t aged at all in all these years!” “That’s her trick,” the bartender explained, “She used her childlike appearance to sneak into and out of the Rebel Camp”

“Really?” I was amazed. "How old was she when this wanted poster was made?”

“Seventy six”

On 7 February 2011, the referendum commission published the final results, with 98.83% voting in favour of independence. While the ballots are going to be suspended in 10 of the 79 counties for exceeding 100% of the voter turnout, the number of votes are still well over the requirement of 60% turnout, and the majority vote for secession is not in question.

The predetermined date for the creation of an independent state is 9 July 2011. [Source]